420 ftw
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
