i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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