I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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