Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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