I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
