It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
