I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i would punch a child for taco bell
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
