I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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