normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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