I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
