was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
