McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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