Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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