i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
