Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
