Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
