winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
