call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
