u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
