He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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