I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
