I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
