I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
