How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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