i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
