remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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