It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
