Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
