Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
