We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
