Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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