I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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