So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
