I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
