my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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