Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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