his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
