Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
