Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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