Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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