He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
