I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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