I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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