Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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