I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
