the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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