This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
