so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
