are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
