don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
