youre lurking in front of me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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