Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
