I puked a lego.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
