I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
